


What You Are Worth

by Acsesrev



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: All the IPRE are here but these guys talk, Boys Kissing, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-11-02 20:04:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10951746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acsesrev/pseuds/Acsesrev
Summary: Merle doesn't know his worth. Lucretia tries to find balance. Davenport is tired of waiting.





	1. Chapter 1

When Merle initially began his training under Oriana, the feeling was mixed among the crew. They milled over the decision of The First Monastery. Why Merle? What kind of training would be happening? Lucretia tried getting information about the monasteries practice, and for a time he could relay to her what he was doing, which in all honesty wasn't much. Outside meditating most of the literature Merle took in was just as easily accessible to her, and so she had nothing of great value to take down, until four months in. The crew saw less and less of him until they didn't at all. They were forbade to interfere with his studies which most people were happy to comply with, but Davenport took interest in knowing all his crew members were safe. All the monastery could offer was verbal assurance of Merle's good health. He didn't see Merle until his graduation day. 

When the end goal of Merle's training became clear, everyone was beyond thrilled. Finally, an entry point into understanding The Hunger! But again, they questioned the meaning behind the choice of Merle. Surely someone like Taako or Lup would be able to twist the words around to get more information than they asked for. Lucretia would of been an equally excellent candidate with her note taking, understanding all the questions needing to be asked. Had Davenport not been Captain he felt that with his natural leadership he could of proven well against whoever awaited in Parlay. But regardless it was Merle's ability. Hardly anyone stayed behind to watch the volume of fog that was Merle sitting, unmoving. Instead they prepared for the oncoming Hunger. Except Davenport, he stayed, and while not a religious man, he prayed. 

As soon as everyone was brought back to the ship they were met with no news about The Hunger. The crew berated Merle's ability and didn't see why after a year of training their cleric learned nothing about the devouring force. Merle took it in though, he quieted himself, listened to the criticisms, tried his best to keep everything in mind. Lucretia was quiet, studying his face, seeing his pulled back lips making a perfect line, keeping eye contact with everyone who complained about his useless efforts, his clasped hands gave away his guilt ridden pang. She waited for them to disperse. She brought him a cup of herbal tea. She looked into his tired sky blue eyes, and he told everything he knew. 

The very next day he was gone. Everyone searched for him until deep in the boiler room they found the Merle shaped cloud. Everyone looked to one another. Taako played it casual and went to go have his breakfast. Lup looked to Barry, slightly concerned and the two left together. Magnus looked to Lucretia who just shrugged, a sadness set onto his face. Lucretia would have to report to Davenport. He didn't move to meet her eyes, them already preoccupied by the vast map of galaxy before him, trying to find their next planet, but his grip on the controls tightened. Once they touched down, he didn't deboard with the rest, he went to the boiler room and stayed with the cloud until it disappeared. He had stayed there for 26 hours and then promptly passed out in his quarters. It would be another year until he saw Merle. He had only seen him for a day after eight months of waiting and here they were again. 

Davenport seemed in a daze this year, he still trained and kept an eye on everyone but he looked deep in thought most times. He could be easily irritable some days, others look as if he had been hit by a truck, and others he didn't react at all. They did find the light in about eight months which was a victory within itself. The planet didn't provide a lot to do, barely habitated and hot as hell, but still people went about the little time they had to relax, except Davenport. He worked relentlessly, barely slept. Lucretia would do her best to put his mind at rest anyway she could, but his mind couldn't stop thinking, thinking about the year Merle wasted. She saw him wring at his hands and knew the guilt he felt, she had seen it before. 

Davenport waited impatiently for the end of the year, and when it came The Hunger was barely on their tail. He had already prepared weeks ahead of time, plotting the distance from the planet they'd have to go, and where they were most likely to find the new plane. There was no chase, just a lot of waiting. Once everyone materialized back into place, there was Merle again. Davenport was practically paralyzed, all his thoughts over one year overtook him in one moment, and instead of acting on any of them, he short circuited in a way and went back to the controls. No one said anything to Merle really aside from a greeting and some pats on the back. He went right to Lucretia, wrapping his arm around... probably close to her middle back, and lead her to the kitchen. He fondly spoke about the man he met while boiling water, getting out tea leaves, cream, milk, sugar, all the necessities. She wasn't writing yet, they spoke like old friends do and sat over tea before the real documenting happened. Merle looked much better this round, but it was clear to everyone Davenport was a mess. 

In the early hours of the morning Davenport made sure Merle was still there, which he was, knocked out in his bunk. He didn't understand after a year of... death? Unconsciousness? That someone could go right back to it. Davenport wasted no time giving tasks to Merle, asking to check the flora and fauna of the new planet, try to collect food to eat, all very mundane things. Merle seemed pleased to do it though. Davenport insisted Lucretia go along too, being very strict that she keep an eye on him. Once the two of them were done they found the captain passed out in the living space. Lucretia looked to Merle slyly. 

"...What's that look for?" he asked in an offended tone. 

"You know he cares about you." Merle was busy taking notes on the planet, which in hindsight was useless since only Lucretia could make out the chicken scratch and would end up re-writing it anyway. She found it funny the way the two men busied their hands in times of distress. Her writing was therapeutic too, but not in the same way. 

"Eeeh, we've all got a job to do! His is just worrying about our lousy asses." He grumbled, scratching the back of his head, not making eye contact with her. "If I were him I'd keep an eye on Mango over there. Kids rushing into all kinds of trouble!" He tucked the sheet he'd scribbled on between her two journals. 

She smiled "Sure. But you haven't seen him worry about YOU. I certainly hope you give him a break this year." She lowered her voice, bending down to help Merle hear her next words "This is the first time I've seen him sleep in months." She smiled to him, grabbing her pens and making her way down the hall. He looked over to the resting Davenport. He scratched the back of his head again and sighed. He pulled a blanket over the Captain, looking around for any suspects, and left him there. 

The year was going pretty well, no light yet but the locals were helpful and interested in the cause. Lup and Taako had been at work introducing new cuisine to the world, Magnus finding his place in carpentry and aiding with construction. Barry came out of his shell and took on the role as a leader in preparation against the Hunger with the governing officials of the world. But Merle was...not doing much. No one asked much from him and aside from strength training he had no motives. It sank in again, his superfluousness. He looked to the night skies, the vast expanse of it all, the millions of lives among the stars, the colours breathed into the atmosphere. He felt the grass under his bare palms and soles, he felt the breeze tickle at his hair, and he knew joy. He knew joy was there, but he didn't feel it. He didn't feel purpose. 

Merle was gone the next day, he set up meditation in the middle of the living space. People walked around him but he barely held form for long. Davenport looked to Lucretia in anger, not AT her but at the situation. She took the Captain to his quarters and as soon as he stepped through the threshold all barriers crumbled and he openly sobbed. Lucretia sat with him on his bed, rubbing circles into his back, feeling the ragged breathing through her hand. They sat in silence apart from the brief hiccups. 

He looked to Lucretia after a long time and only asked "Why?" 

"I..." she chose her words carefully, but realized she had none. 

"I don't know. I'm so sorry Captain, I don't know." 

It was another four months until the reset, Davenport was still involved, took it much better than the first time. The only answer Lucretia could give to his moments of grief was her journal. He read the passages of Merle's over and over, sometimes breaking into a laugh. After a month of this he started taking notes of her notes. After a week he scrapped them all. He returned the journals for good. 

"You were right" he said. 

"About what?" She handled the book with care, bringing it to her chest to protect it from life itself, afraid she wrote something wrong. 

He just smiled gently, patting at Lucretia's hand. "I don't know either." 

 

The day of the reset they were aptly prepared. Another world only to be slightly scorched. Davenport looked determined, put together. His eyebrows knit in concentration for whatever lay ahead. Lucretia knew Merle had a bigger storm coming than The Hunger. She smiled to herself, and prayed for Merle. 

There they all were again, right back on their stage positions. Before any snide remarks could be made, Davenport barked out a loud "HIGHCHURCH!". The room looked to Merle. He feigned stupidity, looking all around before pointing at himself. Davenport wouldn't have it. He approached the man to look him eye to eye and growled "My Office. NOW.". 

"Oooooh look who's in trooobl-" Taako got out before he was interrupted. 

"TAAKO READ THE ROOM!" retorted Davenport, already making his way to his "office". Taako simply put his hands up and flung himself to the couch, admitting defeat in a way. Merle looked to Lucretia, slightly worried. She shot him a wink back and smiled to herself. This brought him even more concern. 

The two reached Davenport's "office", which in all reality was just a desk in his room. Merle entered first, Davenport then promptly slamming the door behind himself. Merle sat down obviously spooked, watching his superior round the table to sit opposite to him. Davenport ran his hands through his slicked back red hair, messing it along the way. He looked again to Merle who avoided his eyes, but tried shooting him a smile, trying to diffuse the situation. This only worsened it. Davenport literally grasped at the air, looking for words, only the begining letters leaving his lips before settling on "WHY?" He shouted it first, then letting it out a few times more "Why? Wuh-Why?!? Merle I don't- why just why?" He looked to Merle for the answer. 

"Um...w-why what exactly? Ah! Why what Sir! Captain!" He stuttered out. 

"Why do you keep leaving!" He slammed his hands on the desk. "WHY DO...WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS AND NOT TELLING ME!" 

"W-what?" Merle said almost offended. "Wh-why do I keep DOING MY JOB? UHHH WELL DUH I DUNNO ARE YOU NOT SATISFIED WITH MY WORK ETHIC AS OF LATE BOSS? AM I ENTITLED TO SOME KIND OF "PAID VACATION"? What the hell do you mean why! I'm doing my damn job here!" 

"MERLE DON'T BE A SMART ASS" Davenport leaned over his desk to get closer to Merle. "You keep leaving in the middle of a year, not notifying anyone about it, AND...AND YOU'RE JUST DEAD THE REST OF THE TIME! WHAT KIND OF WORK IS THAT?" 

"OH I'M SORRY? AM I SLACKIN' OFF TOO MUCH? I'M SORRY I CAN'T FIND A WAY TO DIE FOR YOU MORE! SORRY I'M SUCH A SACK OF SHIT GETTIN' IN THE WAY OF YOUR PLANS! PLEASE! PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME ON WHAT OL' USELESS MERLE HITOWER CAN DO FOR YA." Merle continued his speech onto deaf ears as Davenport started understanding the answer to "Why?" 

"O-OR DO YOU NEED ME TO MAKE THE TEA FOR ALL YOU BIG HEROES TO COME BACK TO AT THE END OF THE DAY? WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!" Merle ended. He finally looked to Davenport whose face had softened now. Merle's chest was heaving from all the yelling, and his throat hoarse. It made it all the worse when he tried swallowing the lump that had slowly developed, unknown to him in his fit of rage. 

"Merle..." Davenport said getting up. Merle quickly scurried himself up out of his chair, looking briefly to the door. 

"H-heyyyyy, no hard feelings right? I got outta hand I'll just..." Merle began to turn but soon had arms wrapped around him. "Oh." 

"Do you think all that's true?" Merle stopped, he looked down at the arms that binded him. 

"I...I dunno. I suppose. We all know I wasn't first choice at this parlay stuff, but...at least I have a purpose now." Merle said solemnly. He ran his hand over Davenports. 

Davenport rested his chin on Merle's shoulder, his breath tickling at Merle's neck. "I didn't choose you as a crew mate to have you die." Merle turned to face Davenport. His eyebrows knit. 

"Huh..." Merle didn't know what to say, but Davenport sure was making sense. 

"You're a cleric. You're a man of the cloth. You are deeply in touch with your god and are important to our survival and success. You gave a world of people hope where there was none with the word of your god. You risk life and limb everyday for people you barely know. No one could of done the job you do, no one could of done parlay but you. And you know what?" Davenport pulled at Merle's hips, bringing him closer to himself. He rested his forehead on Merle's to stare into his eyes. 

"W-what's that?" Merle's face was flushed. His eyes were glossy, looking that water would pool out of them at any second. 

"That doesn't mean shit." 

"Whaaat! C'mon! I thought you were going somewhere with this!" Merle mocked, grinning a bit as tears began to build. 

"It doesn't mean shit because you are worth more than what you do Merle! We don't think of you as a...an object to do stuff for us! God damn it Merle you're family! I can't...I can't keep waiting for you to come back. I dunno how long it feels for you, but for me?! For me I don't do anything but wait! I keep waiting and then you're gone again when it never had to be that way and I-". Davenport made space between the two of them to rub at his face with a sleeve. 

Merle stood there wordless. " _Family_ " he thought. His eyes burned and tears finally rolled off his cheeks. He looked to Davenport, still wiping at his face. 

"Please Merle....please don't leave." Davenport sobbed. Merle pulled him to his chest, hushing his sobs and rocking gently side to side. He placed his face into his messed hair. 

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." 

"You're worth so much more. Please don't go." He pushed his face deeper into Merle's chest. He felt the deep laugh make its way up his chest, slowly building into sobs. Davenport looked up at Merle. His grinning face stained with tears. 

"I am?" He asked, barely believing it. 

Davenport grabbed at the sides of his face and brought his mouth to his. The tension melted immediately and the two blindly made their way to the bed, flopping onto it. Davenport pinned under Merle wrapped his arms around his neck, tangling his hands in the thick mass of white hairs. He immersed himself in the cleric afraid that at any moment he'd escape his senses again. He felt the pressure of Merle's hips and chest pushing into him, how warm and alive he felt. The way his beard hairs tickled at his face with their prickly nature while the hair in his hands ran like silk through his fingers. The smell of earth and smoke, with touches of roses on his person. When he opened his mouth up to Merle he could feel his chapped lips becoming slick with spit and taste tea and smoke on his tongue. As upset as Davenport was before, Merle's touch drove him wild with more need. His tongue pushed harshly against his and his hips rolled up into him without thought. Merle stopped for a moment in thought and grabbed at one of Davenports hips, pushing down on it. He used the other hand to tilt Davenports face to allow his lips even deeper against his. His glasses started slipping down his nose and rested against Davenports face, slightly fogged up. Davenport grabbed at them, placing them to the side, running his hands down to Merle's back. Merle stroked a thumb against the waistline of Davenports pants, the skin now exposed, his shirt having come untucked in the moment. Davenport felt a rush of warmth fill his body and he let out a low groan, pushing his head further into the mattress. The noise caused them to part and look to each other. They were both met with a mans flushed skin. Lips red and puffy, coaxed in spit. Bed hair that stuck all which way. They felt each others chest rise and fall. As hot as they both looked to each other they both couldn't help but laugh at the whole matter. 

Merle rolled over and looked to Davenport. His eyes sunken in, bags lay dark underneath them. He could see now the small gray hairs coming in at his temples. He pulled him closer and said "I'm sorry I'm such an ass." 

"Well thanks for finally saying it." Merle laughed loudly, sighing at the end. 

"So...only end of year meetings with John then?" Merle asked. 

"Well I'm certainly not sharing with The Hunger that's for sure." They both laughed. They held on to each other, giving each other the answer they needed without words. They basked in the silence and calm, and they knew joy.


	2. BONUS EPILOGUE: Zone of Silence, Zone of Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @littlegraybunny for the lovely idea! Also I didn't know what other way to denote a muffled sentence other than ellipses so apologies for THE MILLIONS I HAVE FOR YOU.

"TAAKO READ THE ROOM!" retorted Davenport, already making his way to his "office". Taako simply put his hands up and flung himself to the couch, admitting defeat in a way. Merle looked to Lucretia, slightly worried. She shot him a wink back and smiled to herself. This brought him even more concern.

As soon as the twins heard the door slam down the hall, it was a race to the finish line. Taako was the first to cast Zone of Silence, Lup immediately attaching herself at the hip to her brother, both visibly giggling while the outsiders couldn't actually hear them. Magnus was the next to catch on, catching up to the two and huddling close. Magnus and Lup looked back, beckoning their confused friends to the fun. Lucretia made her way to the group as did Barry in tow.

Taako violently shushed the giggles of his sister and Magnus as he pressed his long slender ear against the door, for no reason at all since the men inside were practically in a yelling match. The noise was muffled, but it wasn't too hard to put together sentences." Why just why?" from Davenport. Lucretia began to feel as if this wasn't the best time to be eavesdropping, looking with concern to Barry, the only other that seemed to value the privacy being denied here.

"...w-why....... Why what Sir! Captain!" from Merle now. Lup let out a snicker at the awful ass kissing.

"Why ...... leaving! WHY DO...WHY DO YOU KEEP ... NOT TELLING ME!" The smile on Magnus' face died down now, realizing the context. He looked to Lucretia, ashamed, and stood straight now, no longer leaning over to the door.

"W-what? ...... DOING MY JOB? UHHH ... I DUNNO ARE YOU NOT SATISFIED WITH ...... BOSS? AM I ENTITLED TO ... VACATION? What the hell ... I'm doing my damn job here" The awkwardness of what exactly was being fought over finally clicked with the group. Taako played it cool as usual, but everyone could feel the tension building. Magnus put a hand to Lucretia's shoulder. She leaned into the gesture, looking so tired, and only hoping for the best.

"... BE A SMART ASS" They heard the creak of the desk shifting now. "You keep .... not notifying anyone ... YOU'RE JUST DEAD THE REST ... KIND OF WORK IS THAT?"

"OH I'M SORRY? AM I SLACKIN' ... CAN'T FIND A WAY TO DIE FOR YOU MORE! ... A SACK OF SHIT GETTIN' IN THE WAY ... ENLIGHTEN ME ON WHAT OL' USELESS ... DO FOR YA." A silence and a knowing look from one another spread across the group. They could even feel this silence laid on Davenport as Merle kept yelling, more unintelligible now.

"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!" The sentence rang out clear with no misunderstanding. Lup lazily hung an arm around Barry's shoulder, comforting the guilt ridden look on his face. "Oh man..." Magnus let out in a sigh, looking to Lucretia. Taako was now really leaning into the doors frame, looking to hear the now quieted argument.

Taako heard Merle's chair move and the sound of footsteps getting closer. His breath caught, readying to wave the group to scatter. The steps stopped quickly and Taako brought his arm down and back to the frame. Curiousity getting the better of all of them, they leaned in closer to hear.

"... think ... that's true?" Taako's lips formed a frown, waiting for Merle's retort.

"I ......... wasn't first choice ...... at least ... purpose now." Taako sighed, running a hand through his hair. He always thought guilt was a bad look on him, but based on the tone of the room now he thought "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em". The men inside the room had gone too quiet to understand for a few beats. Magnus knelt down to Taako's level, leaning into the door now too, whispering, while unneeded to do so "Are they still there?"

"What do you mean "are they still there?" Mango! They didn't leave the room!"

"Why are they being so quiet!" Magnus retorted in offense.

"ShhhhHHHHHUSH! How am I suppo-" Taako stopped, pushing his face into the door again."... your ... important to ... risk life and limb ... No one could of done ... you know what?" Lucretia smiled into the disjointed sentence, knowing this speech practically by heart now after all the times trying to comfort the Captain.

"That doesn't mean shit." She whispered to herself. Taako turning to her reply in surprise.

"Whaaat! C'mon! I thought you were going somewhere with this!" Everyone heard the remark and laughed or sighed. Typical Merle.

"It doesn't ... worth more than what you do ... we don't think ... object to do stuff for us! ... Merle you're family!" The six looked to each other, and while after years of travelling together, the word felt like a new revelation. Every day for years they spent together, their bonds growing, solidifying this idea of family, but hearing it from their Captain, the most stoic, hard-working, and put together of the bunch hit them in a way they didn't think possible. They were a family, and without one, all would suffer, and up to this point with some kind of immortality bestowed to them, they had forgotten that truth. "I can't ......... I don't do anything but wait ...... and I-" They could hear the soft sobs now. Magnus in a fit of emotion, brought his arms around his family, squishing them all together. While most embraced this quite literally, Taako wiggled his way outward to keep himself as close to the door as possible, but laid a reassuring hand on the part of the Magnus arm closest to Lup.

"Please ... don't leave." Taako was now transcribing the conversation for the saps behind him. "Oh dear lord they're gonna flood the room with all the tears in there." Taako mocked, receiving a small punch in the back from Lucretia. He turned briefly to give her the full eye roll before getting back to work.

"... worth so much more ... don't go" This was much clearer as the sobbing grew.

"I am?" They heard from Merle for the first time in a while. Magnus sniffled a bit. Lup patted her larger friend on the back, cooing "Poor bubbeleh."

The silence hung in the air for a bit, Taako moving his head around the door for a better sound, scowling at the difficult nature of eavesdropping. The group looked to him with anticipation.

"Oh god ... that isn't!" Taako strained out, looking as if he may throw up. Lup's interest immediately piqued, pressing herself to the door again, listening attentively. Unfortunately regardless of their proximity to the door, everyone heard what came next. The low groan of Davenport.

Taako, still in his Zone of Silence, slapped his hands to his face, letting out a blood curdling scream, before quickly abandoning everyone, but Lup who had made her way onto her brothers back. Now outside of the Zone of Silence, the others covered their mouths and shuffled their socked feet against the cool steel floor, sliding away from the atrocity they were privy to.

Once they got back to the opposite side of the ship, all of them huddled together, gagging at what they heard. Barry and Magnus said nothing, holding on to each other and rocking, shuddering at the thought that could never leave their brains.

Lucretia stood, covering her face, and repeating in different tones of grief "Those are our DADS ... THOSE ARE OUR DADS!!! Ohhhhhh dear Pan yuck yuck yuck"

Lup laid on the floor, her brother above her fanning her and himself, and cried out "Ohhh I just want to die! I can't live anymore!!! Kill me!"

And from that day on, they never bothered Davenport when he was alone with Merle, ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> Alt fic title: Lucretia gets all her retorts from angry Davenport


End file.
